Dealing with Difficult Conversations

Difficult Conversations

Overview:  Often we are faced with difficult conversations looming in front of us, those times that you know you should talk with someone, but you are fearful to do so.  Perhaps it is letting your parents know that you are moving to another part of the world or you need to confront a co-worker about not doing their job.  Whatever the case, difficult conversations are part of the work environment. This session will identify several types of difficult conversations that are very common in the workplace and steps in overcoming not only the fear but how to actually initiate those conversations for the common good. 

Brainstorm what comes to mind when you hear difficult conversations.  Perhaps your list is similar to the one below:

a.       Ending a relationship

b.      Talking to a co-worker who behaves offensively or makes suggestive comments

c.       Asking a friend to repay a loan

d.      Giving the boss feedback about his/her behavior

e.      Critiquing a colleague’s work

f.        Asking a roommate to move out

g.       Talking to a team member who isn’t keeping commitments

h.      Discussing a problem with sexual intimacy

i.         Confronting a loved one about a substance abuse problem

j.        Talking to a coworker concerning personal hygiene.

What makes these types of conversations difficult? 

Definition of a Difficult Conversation:

One person states that a difficult conversation is “a discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong” (Liebau, 2012).  Lynne Cunningham of the Studer Group, an agency that helps promote leadership training, states “after spiders, snakes and public speaking, people seem most afraid of having difficult conversations” (Cunningham, 2013).  Nevertheless, the most difficult thing about difficult conversations is the fear of what may happen. 

Understanding Fear:

Fear has a tendency to make us stop dead in our tracks.  The American Heritage College Dictionary defines fear as “a feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by present or imminent danger” (Pickett, 2007).  Notice what fear is:  a feeling.  Crooner Andy Williams released a song in 1975 that offers some pretty sound advice about feelings.  It is simply “Feelings, Whoa Whoa Feelings.”  The point being made is simply that one must realize that fear is nothing more than a feeling and it should be recognized as such.  Fear can be overcome.  Nelson Mandela once stated “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear” (USA TODAY, 2013). 

Some common acronyms for fear might include the following:

False Evidence Appearing Real

Forget Everything And Run

Face Everything And Rise

If one can understand the concept of fear, he or she is well on the way to having successful difficult conversations.  Overcoming fear is a topic of many seminars, workshops and books.  One such approach offers the following steps to help one overcome fear by utilizing a fear ladder:

·         Make a list. Make a list of the frightening situations related to your phobia. If you’re afraid of flying, your list (in addition to the obvious, such as taking a flight or getting through takeoff) might include booking your ticket, packing your suitcase, driving to the airport, watching planes take off and land, going through security, boarding the plane, and listening to the flight attendant present the safety instructions.

·         Build your fear ladder. Arrange the items on your list from the least scary to the most scary. The first step should make you slightly anxious, but not so frightened that you’re too intimidated to try it. When creating the ladder, it can be helpful to think about your end goal (for example, to be able to be near dogs without panicking) and then break down the steps needed to reach that goal.

·         Work your way up the ladder. Start with the first step (in this example, looking at pictures of dogs) and don’t move on until you start to feel more comfortable doing it. If at all possible, stay in the situation long enough for your anxiety to decrease. The longer you expose yourself to the thing you’re afraid of, the more you’ll get used to it and the less anxious you’ll feel when you face it the next time. If the situation itself is short (for example, crossing a bridge), do it over and over again until your anxiety starts to lessen. Once you’ve done a step on several separate occasions without feeling too much anxiety, you can move on to the next step. If a step is too hard, break it down into smaller steps or go slower.

·         Practice. It’s important to practice regularly. The more often you practice, the quicker your progress will be. However, don’t rush. Go at a pace that you can manage without feeling overwhelmed. And remember: you will feel uncomfortable and anxious as you face your fears, but the feelings are only temporary. If you stick with it, the anxiety will fade. Your fears won’t hurt you.  (Smith, Segal, & Segal, 2014)

Through this process or one similar, one can hurdle the greatest obstacle in actually having a difficult conversation.  The next step could include a variety of methods depending on the type of situation that requires a difficult conversation.  However, one’s ongoing personal development process is a vital piece not only in leadership and character development, but in the approach to how difficult conversations will play out.  Before outlining other steps, this concept of personal development and its benefits should be discussed further.  A recent leadership blog written by leadership expert John C. Maxwell reminds its readers that difficult conversations and the like could be driven by character or by emotion.  Previous discussion above has outlined that fear is a feeling.  It could be stated even further that a feeling could be defined as an emotion.  Dr. Maxwell distinguishes several attributes between character-driven people and emotion-driven people that useful in understanding how difficult conversations should be presented. 

Character-Driven People…	Emotion-Driven People…
1.       Do right, then feel good.	1. Feel good, then do right.
2.       Are commitment driven.	2.       Are convenience driven.
3.       Make principle-based decisions.	3.  Make popular decisions.
4.       Let action control attitude.	4.  Let attitude control action.
5.       Believe it, then see it.	5. See it, then believe it.
6.       Create momentum.	6.  Wait for momentum.
7.       Ask, “What are my responsibilities?”	7.  Ask, “What are my rights?”
8.       Continue when problems arise.	8. Quit when problems arise.
9.       Are steady.	9. Are moody.
10.   Are leaders.	10. Are followers.

(Maxwell, 2014)

As portrayed by the chart above, character-driven people keep going even when it gets tough.  Maxwell goes on to quote the late western novelist Louis L’Amour to show the benefits of being character-driven.  “When asked the key to his prolific writing, he responded, ‘Start writing, no matter what.  The water does not flow until the faucet is turned on.’”  In other words, one’s character development will produce significant impact on how he or she approaches many areas of life as well as understanding how to deal with difficult conversations.

With this understanding, it would now be beneficial to enter into a practical discussion concerning difficult conversation models.  The Studer Group identifies several models in which they and others have found great success.  The first model is the Impact Message. This model includes the following four steps:

1.       Describe the behavior

2.       Describe the impact

3.       Indicate the desired change

4.       Get a commitment (Cunningham, 2013)

 This model could be used for a leader to a follower could be incorporated the following way:

                When you don’t follow the guidelines that have been established…

                The result is that I don’t feel I have been clear in what needs to be done…

                I need you to let me know you clearly understand what I expect…

Can you help me make sure that I am explaining in a way that you understand and can accomplish the task?

A second model that the Studer Group utilizes is Cup of Coffee Conversation (Cunningham, 2013).  This would be used in a peer to peer situation.  It begins with affirmation and appreciation but then let them know you saw something that was uncharacteristic and not consistent with the set standards. It could flow the following way:

“Fred, let’s go have a cup of coffee.” Start by telling Fred something that you genuinely appreciate about him and his work. With coffee in hand, “I have noticed that you did not do the report according to the guidelines that the company has established.  This doesn’t live up to our standards and concerns me.”  Then pause and take a sip of coffee.  Typically, this will allow Fred to respond to what you have said.  You are not pointing out what he has done that is bad, but a concern you have experienced. 

A third model described by the Studer Group is the Low Performer Conversation (Cunningham, 2013).  This model helps use an evidence-based model where someone is demonstrating in appropriate behavior which is inconsistent to the established policies.  This would be a conversation that an employer would have with his or her team member.  It would best follow something like the DESK model:

D:  Describe what has been observed.

E:  Evaluate how you feel.

S:  Show what needs to be done.

K:  Know the consequences of continued same performance (Cunningham, 2013).

Benjamin Franklin once stated that “Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave the unsaid the wrong thing at the wrong moment” (Liebau, 2012).  It is important to address the concern that has been presented and not to turn this into a time of bashing and belittlement.

Benefits of Mastering Difficult Conversations

As one can imagine, there are many benefits in becoming a master of difficult conversations.  Liebau has listed several that include the following:

• ·         Kick-starts your career (and strengthens your current position)
• ·         Improves your organization
• ·         It improves and builds stronger relationships
• ·         Revitalizes your community
• ·         It will improve your personal health

o   Releases and prevents built up emotion that studies have shown to be harmful to one’s health

o   Research has shown that the survival rate among those have learned to express themselves effectively is much greater than those that have not (Liebau, 2012)

It can be stated that every person makes mistakes at some time in the work place.  Maxwell’s research and writings previously mentioned imply that a good leader will come alongside someone to help them grow.  He states in another article, “If you’re a leader, it is your responsibility and your privilege to be the person who helps them get better” (Maxwell, John Maxwell on Leadership, 2010).  This demonstrates caring which in turn makes difficult conversations easier to approach.  It is the experience of this writer that those that I lead do not care how much I know until they know how much I care.  If I care and have established that relationship showing them this, then I will be able to have difficult conversations in a more effective manner.  If not, I will be ineffective in that difficult conversation and will perhaps create more problems in my approach.

Works Cited:

Cunningham, L. (2013, April 21). Difficult Conversations: Three Models for Your Leadership. Gulf Breeze, FL. Retrieved March 31, 2014, from https://www.studergroup.com/thoughts/archive/difficult_conversations.dot

Liebau, B. (2012, November). Strategies for Difficult Conversations. Fredericksburg, VA. Retrieved March 31, 2014, from http://students.umw.edu/wellness/files/2012/11/Strategies-for-Difficult-Conversations-Student-Leadership-Conference-November-2012.pdf

Maxwell, J. C. (2010, December 20). John Maxwell on Leadership. Retrieved January 8, 2014, from http://johnmaxwellonleadership.com/2010/12/20/for-leaders-balancing-care-with-candor/

Maxwell, J. C. (2014, April 11). Are You Driven By Character or Emotion? Retrieved from http://www.johnmaxwell.com/blog/are-you-driven-by-character-or-emotion?utm_source=WhatCounts+Publicaster+Edition&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Are+You+Driven+by+Character+or+Emotion%3f+%7c+By%3a+John+C.+Maxwell&utm_content=CLICK+HERE

Pickett, J. P. (Ed.). (2007). The American Heritage College Dictionary (Fourth ed.). Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company.

Ringer, J. (n.d.). We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations. Retrieved April 12, 2012, from www.judyringer.com

Smith, M., Segal, R., & Segal, J. (2014). Phobias and Fears. Retrieved April 11, 2014, from http://www.helpguide.org/mental/phobia_symptoms_types_treatment.htm

USA TODAY. (2013, December 6). 15 of Nelson Mandela's Best Quotes.

My Daughter's School Assignment

I shouldn't be surprised.  She has always been creative.  She has always been smart. And, she has always been independent.  So when she shared with me her assignment from one of her 6th grade classes, I knew I had to exercise my parental bragging rights and share this with you....with her permission of course!  Check out this insight from an 11 year old.....

I’m from the secrets that have never been retold.

The whispers sway one direction, not to be swayed again.

The sweet sound of my mother’s voice, crushed into a noise that only I can hear.

I’m from the sweet memories as if they were my feet, I walk on them everyday.

Crushing, breaking, destroying the bad, making new memories.

I’m from the tragic, devastating moments that made me scared and stubborn.

I’m from the cumbers my grandpa grew.

The fresh, green veggie that came up from the soil.

I’m from those sunny Sunday mornings that brought me closer to God.

I’m from those times my sisters dropped vases on their toe.

I’m from those fights that never lasted, the ones where we belly laughed afterword.

From the holding hands when I prayed to sipping Dr. Pepper.

The rivalry between the bears and the panthers that always lasted.

I’m from those summer nights when you would have to eat my momma’s fries for dessert.

The crisp, darkened potato slices you’d have to digest for sweetness.

From playing ball, to dancing around.

I’m from North Carolina, where we do things right.

That’s where I’m from, so what have you gotta say?

 Madi Marlowe

3-10-2014

Waiting...

Are you patient?  Do you like to wait?  I can honestly say that patience is not one of my virtues.  In fact, I am certain that my blood pressure is at its highest when I am in a line or when I have been asked to wait.  Pardon my disgust when one pipes in, "Good things come to those that wait!"  I want to body slam them. Then there is the time recently when I had a kidney stone.  The doctor was telling me to wait and allow the medicine to work.  No thank you.  Waiting is not for me. From slow drive-through's to checking out at Walmart to even sitting in the car on Sunday morning waiting on my family to go to church, I do not like waiting.  My theme song has become Brad Paisley's "Waitin' On a Woman" (since I do have a wife, 4 daughters, a dog and cat which both happen to be female).  I love my family, don't get me wrong, but, I despise waiting.  You can imagine then, what my life has been like over the last several months as I have been in a season of waiting.  It seems that lately I have been forced to wait in just about every area of my life.  Vocationally, I have had to wait on decisions to be made and personnel to be put in place.  Physically, I have had the aforementioned kidney stone and literally had to wait for relief.  I have also had some problems with my feet (again) that has prevented me from walking like I want to do. However,I have changed my diet and am supplementing a program of healthy shakes to give me energy, better circulation, and increased overall health.  Spiritually, I have practiced the disciplines of worship, prayer, Bible reading, and meditation.  I have participated in small groups studies and have even faithfully taught a Men's Bible study on a weekly basis.  Yet, in all of these areas, I do not see the results I long to have.  I have waited for things to be different, yet they seem to digress instead of getting better.  When does the waiting start to pay off?

Maybe you can identify with where I am.  Perhaps you have also been waiting.  Maybe you are in somewhat of a waiting wilderness.  A prodigal to come home.  A medical report to be good news.  A promotion that is overdue.  A sign from God that this is the right direction.  Whatever it is that you and I are waiting on, God's word reminds us in many verses that He is there in our midst and understands exactly where we are and what we are going through.

God's word also tells us that waiting is being obedient.  For example, Psalm 27:14 parallels waiting on the Lord with strength. "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD" (NIV).  Twice in one verse, God commands us to wait.  

Isaiah 40:31 in many translations indicates that waiting provides renewal, strength, flight, and endurance.

    "But those who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength, 

    they shall mount up with wings like eagles, 

    they shall run and not be weary, 

    they shall walk and not faint." (NRSV)

It does not take long for one to find hope in just these two verses.  Isn't that just the way God works?  In our despair and frustration, we are able to call out to Him and realize He is faithful and trustworthy.  We are reminded that "grass withers and flowers fade, but the word of God lasts forever."

In my season of waiting, I have learned a few things.  First I have learned through reflection, that I have fared better than perhaps I thought.  Those who are close to me have told me that I have shown great patience over the past few months.  I have been told that I have been a testimony to many.  Humbly I am compelled to do better.  Secondly, I am in a better place spiritually than I have been in a long time.  My prayers are more fervent than I can recently remember.  I have become more aware of God's presence in my prayers, my worship, my Bible reading and meditation.  I long to study the word of God more and have a hunger for it.  Thirdly, I am becoming more dependent on God and less dependent on myself.  For the first time in a long while, I am learning like Paul to be content in whatever state I am in, recognizing that God's faithfulness and mercy are with me and will not leave me nor forsake me.  A friend called me the other night simply to encourage me, pray with me, and remind me that God is always at work. The call was just at the right time. Think that was orchestrated by the One that knows every hair on my head, knows every thought that I have and the One that has created me as His masterpiece?  Yea...me too.  

My wilderness is becoming the promised land.

Be encouraged.  Waiting is a season.  Seasons change.  Maybe good things do come to those that wait.  

It is time!

I have had the privilege of attending a simulcast of the Global Leadership Summit, an annual event sponsored by the Willow Creek Association.  I attended with two other men from my church.  Last night as we were discussing the highlights of the day, I shared that in my current position, I felt my hands were tied and my feet were bound and that prevented me from doing some of the leadership practices that had been taught during the course of the Summit.  I had no sooner gotten those words out when my friend Jimmy said, "then lead from your knees!"  I immediately called him a name that I shall not repeat here.  He was  right.  I was making excuses implying that someone else was controlling me and the abilities I  had.  I was also saying that I was limited and I was constrained. My perspective needed to change.  With one comment, my friend showed me that I have become too dependent on my circumstances and my self.  I have been trying to do things for a long time based on my abilities. I was reminded that is is time for me to stop relying on my abilities and start relying on the abilities of my Savior.  

I have prayed every day that I can remember.  I have prayed for others to be blessed.  I have prayed for wisdom.  I have prayed for my family.  I have prayed for my finances and I have prayed for others' finances.  I have prayed for sickness and I have prayed for those who were mourning.  I have prayed for everything under the sun it seems.  I would have until yesterday, considered myself a praying man.  Even so, in just a moment, I was challenged beyond challenges. "Lead from your knees." So I did.  Bad knees and all.  This morning my prayer posture changed.  In my room, alone, in the quiet of the morning, I was able to get on my knees before a Holy and Mighty God and totally submit my leadership abilities and inabilities, my talents and lack of talent, and my circumstances which I can control and those which I cannot.  It was time.  I do not know what the future holds, but I do, without a shadow of doubt, know Who holds my future.

Gutted

In the movie "The Lone Ranger," the villain kills Captain Dan Reid, the brother of John Reid.  It is a nasty scene and the Texas Ranger is for lack of better terms, gutted.  The rest of the movie is about how John Reid partners with a Native American and avenges his brother Captain Reid's horrific death.  I must confess that as I watched this scene, I thought this is really bad and probably something that I should not have taken my family to see.  Funny thing is, my daughters loved it!  They thought it was cool when "that guy was gutted!"  I have officially failed as a father, but that is a different blog for another time.  Have you ever been gutted?  Maybe not grotesquely like portrayed in this movie, but perhaps you have been gutted in a different way.  Perhaps a relationship that you poured everything into ended abruptly.  Perhaps that job promotion you deserved and wanted but you were not chosen.  Perhaps an injury sidelines you your senior season.  Perhaps it was that last glimmer of hope that faded completely away.  Gutted.  One definition states it this way:  "to remove the vital or essential parts from."  Gutted. Have you ever had something happen to you that removed the vital or essential parts from your inner being?  Gutted. Unfortunately, life happens and when it does, things do not always turn out the way you planned or hoped.  So when you have been gutted, what do you do?  When you find yourself dealing with the pain of being gutted, you may find yourself at a loss in what to do.  As you review and think about your circumstance, here are a few recommendations to get through that feeling of being gutted.  

First, look where you are standing both figuratively and literally.  Are you in a place geographically that you should not be?  There are places where one needs to be very careful.   An alcoholic would not do well in a bar.  A glutton would not do well at a buffet.  A kleptomaniac would not do well at a store that allows customers to pay "on your honor."  The point is that if one knows his or her limitations, one should be careful in the environment which they dwell.  This happens when self-examination occurs on a regular basis.  What are you standing on?  Matthew 7:24-27 portrays difference between the wise and foolish builders.  The foolish builder builds his house on the sand but when the storm comes and the waters rise, the house is washed away.  The wise builder has built on a firm foundation that is rock solid.  The Psalmist wrote "the Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock."  Where are you standing and what are you standing on right now?  Look at your feet.  Chances are if you are standing on a rock of truth right now, you will be still standing on that same rock when you are gutted.  If you are not, guess which one moved?

Secondly, look around you.  Who is influencing your decisions?  Are you working with those that build you up or tear you down?  Are you hanging with those that help keep your feet on the rock or are just like the sand described above that shifts with the wind and the waves life brings?  1 Corinthians 15:33 says it bluntly:  "Do not be misled:  Bad company corrupts good character."  Proverbs 22:24-25 states "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared."  Back in my Youth Ministry days, I always had great results illustrating this.  I would stand on the stage and get the smallest teenager in the crowd to come stand on the floor below while I was up on a stage, usually about two feet higher.  I would ask the small teenager if they thought they could defeat me when I towered over them in size.  Then, I would stand on the edge of the stage with my feet hanging off and ask them to try to pull me off the stage.  No matter how hard I tried to keep my balance, even the smallest teenager could pull me off the stage.  It is much easier to be pulled down that to pull someone else up!  If you are in a situation where you have been gutted, will you be pulled down?  Will you  find good counsel from those around you?  

Thirdly, look within.  Where does your hope lie?  What is the basis of your hope?  The Prophet Isaiah stated in Isaiah 40:31 "but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  The writer of Hebrews talks about this hope as "an anchor for the soul, (that is) firm and secure" (Hebrews 6:19; ref. v. 11-20).  Hope does not give in nor does it give up.  1 Corinthians 13:13 tells us that when all is said and done, faith, hope and love remain.  This same powerful passage reminds us that the greatest of this is love.  Incidentally, love is the basis for our hope.  John 3:16 reminds us that God so loved that He gave. God Himself was gutted through the gift He gave.  The darkest time that has ever been written about in history was when Christ died on that cross (see Matthew 27:45-56; Mark 15:33-41; Luke 23:44-49).  Gutted.  Thanks be to God that the story does not end there.  The tragedy of the cross was triumphed in the resurrection.  The darkness turned into day.  As a result, when you are gutted, you can also see your tragedy turn into triumph and your darkness can turn into day, but only if you place your hope in the resurrected Christ and the assurance His word brings.  The Bible is full of promises on which we can build this foundation of hope.  For example, Isaiah 41:10 states, "So do not fear, for I am with you: do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  Romans 8:31-39 would also be a great reminder which you and I can build upon.  Other verses to build upon will be Colossians 1:13-14; Psalm 40:1-3; Psalm 46:1; and Psalm 56:3-4 just to name a few.  

Have you been gutted?  Most likely you have been.  Each one of the descriptions at the beginning of this article happened all within one week all within one community.  Was it bad karma? Was it bad luck?  Was it life?  Choose what you want it to be, but when it happens to you, you do not have to give up.  There is hope.  There is truth. 

 "And we know that is all things God works for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).

Advice to New College Parents from a Parent and College Administrator (who happen to be the same person)

 In addition to being an administrator in student development, I am also the father of one daughter that has finished college, another daughter that is college-age but has no desire to be in college, and two other daughters that absolutely love college but they are 11 and almost 7.  I also live in a Sea of Estrogen, but that is another talk!  I tell you these things simply to say I can identify with where you are right now.  It is an honor to talk with you this morning about your college student and how he or she can be successful outside of the classroom.  You may hear the term co-curricular over the course of this weekend.  Simply put, co-curricular means a something that is outside the classroom but compliments the academic setting.  Student Development is about the co-curricular.  In fact, the Mission Statement of our department is The Student Development Division of Lees-McRae College is committed to guiding, facilitating, challenging and supporting the development of the whole person- mind, body, heart and soul- all within the context of a safe, nurturing environment.

As a parent and as an administrator in Student Development, I want to share with you a few things that I have learned that will help your student be successful at Lees-McRae College and help you as a parent survive these next 4-5 or 6 years.

First, remember that you have raised your child in the way she should go and when she is old she will not depart from that.  Sure this is a biblical admonition so it has to be true right?  There has to be a time when you let go and let all that parenting, all that wisdom, all that direction giving, come to fruition.  You have planted a seed.  You have watered that seed.  Let the flower bloom.  The law of the harvest states that seed that is planted, watered and nurtured will bring forth fruit.

Secondly, learn to text, tweet and facebook.  Josh Sanburn in a recent Time Magazine article about this generation called millennial stated in speaking of today’s college age students that “they love their phones but hate talking on them.”  Did you know that the average 18 year old sends 88 texts a day?  For some reason, it is higher in my house!  I can tweet so that it gets posted on facebook and sends a text message to my daughters!  You type it once and they get it 3 different ways!  Aren’t you glad your parents couldn’t do that?

Thirdly, strongly encourage your student to sign the F.E.R.P.A. form!  You are going to hear lots about that if you have not already.  FERPA stands for the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act.  FERPA gives parents certain rights with respect to their children's education records. These rights transfer to the student when he or she reaches the age of 18 or attends a school beyond the high school level. Students to whom the rights have transferred are "eligible students."  In other words, if you don’t have your son or daughter’s permission, you can’t discuss with school officials his or her grades. 

Fourthly, understand that you are not alone in this process and join the Lees-McRae College Family Association.  Here you will develop relationships with others that are in the same boat.  Remember, there is strength in numbers but there is also an opportunity to see what has worked for others.

Fifthly, encourage your student to get involved!  What does that mean exactly?  Involvement opens doors.  Involvement allows one to be part of something and gives a sense of belonging.  Involvement helps develop leadership and good decision making skills.  Studies have shown that those who are involved in co-curricular activities have greater social and intellectual development, stronger leadership abilities, better interpersonal skills, and greater general student outcomes. 

Our Student Development staff works with students to create these opportunities.  We list those opportunities on our website and promote activities via email, word of mouth, on facebook, through flyers, and by making them affordable.  We are fortunate to have several clubs and interest groups as well as several opportunities to enhance learning through workshops, symposiums, and programs that even are done in the Residence Halls.  We have many opportunities of which can be taken advantage of to focus on the whole being, the mind, heart, body and soul.  Please encourage your student to explore these possibilities.

Sixthly, I want to encourage you to help your student understand the resources that are available to him or her.  Our Counseling and Disabilities services, our health services, and our Residence Life team can help guide your student through a crisis as well as help celebrate a victory.  Our staff is caring and personable and quickly able to adapt when necessary to make things get done.

An example is continuing right now with a busted pipe…

Seventh, know where the policies are located, know how they are enforces, and know that the policies of the college are in place for a reason.  We are a residential campus because we recognize that a student’s involvement increases dramatically when that student lives on campus.  Where policies are in place community happens.  When community happens, our world is changed.  However, when policies are not in place, chaos happens. When chaos happens, people withdraw and life becomes dull.

Eighth, allow your student to fail forward.  Inevitably, there will be a time when your student messes up.  Let him.  Let her.  Don’t be their savior, but let them learn from that mistake and celebrate with them as they move onward and upward.

Ninth, let your student stay on campus during the weekend, but plan for and encourage them to come home over the breaks, especially when we close the campus! 

Last of all, help your student understand what their plan A is but give them permission to explore their plan B, and celebrate with them when they proceed to plan Z.  Let me explain.  Plan A is that dream major leading to that dream job.  Plan B is almost Plan A but not quite, yet it works.  Plan Z is when you can’t do plan A or Plan B and you are doing whatever you can to legally make it work.

Reflections from 2012

2012 is done!  What do you have to show for it?  

I am reminded today through several email lists that I should take some time to reflect on failures, accomplishments, shortcomings and victories that have taken place this past year.  Interestingly, a moment's reflection immediately brings to mind thoughts and events from 2012 that could be written about over many pages. I have laughed and loved. I have cried and been angry.   I have seen hurt and experienced healing.   I have been moved to tears of joy by the greatness of humanity as well saddened by its senseless acts.  I have developed new classes and lectures that have hopefully challenged young minds with the lessons of life.  I have invested in relationships that have empowered me and in some that honestly have drained me.  I have been the king of the world just by lifting a tennis ball in the yard with two dogs.   I have led people to Christ and hopefully not distracted others from coming to him.  I have turned 50 and realized that I will never dunk a basketball again on this side of Glory.  I have said goodbye to my Grandmother, lifelong friends, and too many that have passed seemingly way before their time was done.  I have read books that have challenged me and motivated me to be better but none that have been written with as much love that can be found in the simple truth of God's Word.  I have had prayers answered to my desire and others that went totally against what I desired, but they have been answered.  I have caught little fish and have caught bigger ones, but I did not catch enough.  I have made money and spent too much money, but I have whittled down some debt and am paying my bills.  I have Tweeted, re-tweeted, "facebooked", and played Words with Friends.  I have had multiple words over a hundred points and beaten many but can't for the life of me beat Craig McPhail.  I have gained weight, lost weight and now have successfully lowered my blood pressure (as long as I don't think about trying to beat Craig McPhail!). I have cheered in victory and experienced the agony of defeat in both humanity and athletics.  I have seen the richness of a Carolina Blue sky and the destruction of a powerful storm.  I have been forgiven when I thought I was unforgivable.  I have heard "I love you" lots and learned to listen to it better.  I have made new friends and strengthened relationships with old ones.  I have learned Taylor Swift songs by hearing her words over and over coming from short little girls that aren't so short anymore. I have celebrated a daughter graduating from college and another finishing High School.  I have been jealous accomplishments of others but I do rejoice with them, recognizing I have many more victories to come.  I have been reminded that I am a saint, redeemed, loved, and forgiven.  I have learned that I have found favor with God.  Most of all, I have learned that I am alive and I must live in such a way that is rich and full and I have learned that I have not learned enough. Look 2013....I am coming your way!

Happy New Year!!