Dealing with Difficult Conversations

Difficult Conversations

Overview:  Often we are faced with difficult conversations looming in front of us, those times that you know you should talk with someone, but you are fearful to do so.  Perhaps it is letting your parents know that you are moving to another part of the world or you need to confront a co-worker about not doing their job.  Whatever the case, difficult conversations are part of the work environment. This session will identify several types of difficult conversations that are very common in the workplace and steps in overcoming not only the fear but how to actually initiate those conversations for the common good. 

Brainstorm what comes to mind when you hear difficult conversations.  Perhaps your list is similar to the one below:

a.       Ending a relationship

b.      Talking to a co-worker who behaves offensively or makes suggestive comments

c.       Asking a friend to repay a loan

d.      Giving the boss feedback about his/her behavior

e.      Critiquing a colleague’s work

f.        Asking a roommate to move out

g.       Talking to a team member who isn’t keeping commitments

h.      Discussing a problem with sexual intimacy

i.         Confronting a loved one about a substance abuse problem

j.        Talking to a coworker concerning personal hygiene.

What makes these types of conversations difficult? 

Definition of a Difficult Conversation:

One person states that a difficult conversation is “a discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong” (Liebau, 2012).  Lynne Cunningham of the Studer Group, an agency that helps promote leadership training, states “after spiders, snakes and public speaking, people seem most afraid of having difficult conversations” (Cunningham, 2013).  Nevertheless, the most difficult thing about difficult conversations is the fear of what may happen. 

Understanding Fear:

Fear has a tendency to make us stop dead in our tracks.  The American Heritage College Dictionary defines fear as “a feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by present or imminent danger” (Pickett, 2007).  Notice what fear is:  a feeling.  Crooner Andy Williams released a song in 1975 that offers some pretty sound advice about feelings.  It is simply “Feelings, Whoa Whoa Feelings.”  The point being made is simply that one must realize that fear is nothing more than a feeling and it should be recognized as such.  Fear can be overcome.  Nelson Mandela once stated “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear” (USA TODAY, 2013). 

Some common acronyms for fear might include the following:

False Evidence Appearing Real

Forget Everything And Run

Face Everything And Rise

If one can understand the concept of fear, he or she is well on the way to having successful difficult conversations.  Overcoming fear is a topic of many seminars, workshops and books.  One such approach offers the following steps to help one overcome fear by utilizing a fear ladder:

·         Make a list. Make a list of the frightening situations related to your phobia. If you’re afraid of flying, your list (in addition to the obvious, such as taking a flight or getting through takeoff) might include booking your ticket, packing your suitcase, driving to the airport, watching planes take off and land, going through security, boarding the plane, and listening to the flight attendant present the safety instructions.

·         Build your fear ladder. Arrange the items on your list from the least scary to the most scary. The first step should make you slightly anxious, but not so frightened that you’re too intimidated to try it. When creating the ladder, it can be helpful to think about your end goal (for example, to be able to be near dogs without panicking) and then break down the steps needed to reach that goal.

·         Work your way up the ladder. Start with the first step (in this example, looking at pictures of dogs) and don’t move on until you start to feel more comfortable doing it. If at all possible, stay in the situation long enough for your anxiety to decrease. The longer you expose yourself to the thing you’re afraid of, the more you’ll get used to it and the less anxious you’ll feel when you face it the next time. If the situation itself is short (for example, crossing a bridge), do it over and over again until your anxiety starts to lessen. Once you’ve done a step on several separate occasions without feeling too much anxiety, you can move on to the next step. If a step is too hard, break it down into smaller steps or go slower.

·         Practice. It’s important to practice regularly. The more often you practice, the quicker your progress will be. However, don’t rush. Go at a pace that you can manage without feeling overwhelmed. And remember: you will feel uncomfortable and anxious as you face your fears, but the feelings are only temporary. If you stick with it, the anxiety will fade. Your fears won’t hurt you.  (Smith, Segal, & Segal, 2014)

Through this process or one similar, one can hurdle the greatest obstacle in actually having a difficult conversation.  The next step could include a variety of methods depending on the type of situation that requires a difficult conversation.  However, one’s ongoing personal development process is a vital piece not only in leadership and character development, but in the approach to how difficult conversations will play out.  Before outlining other steps, this concept of personal development and its benefits should be discussed further.  A recent leadership blog written by leadership expert John C. Maxwell reminds its readers that difficult conversations and the like could be driven by character or by emotion.  Previous discussion above has outlined that fear is a feeling.  It could be stated even further that a feeling could be defined as an emotion.  Dr. Maxwell distinguishes several attributes between character-driven people and emotion-driven people that useful in understanding how difficult conversations should be presented. 

Character-Driven People…	Emotion-Driven People…
1.       Do right, then feel good.	1. Feel good, then do right.
2.       Are commitment driven.	2.       Are convenience driven.
3.       Make principle-based decisions.	3.  Make popular decisions.
4.       Let action control attitude.	4.  Let attitude control action.
5.       Believe it, then see it.	5. See it, then believe it.
6.       Create momentum.	6.  Wait for momentum.
7.       Ask, “What are my responsibilities?”	7.  Ask, “What are my rights?”
8.       Continue when problems arise.	8. Quit when problems arise.
9.       Are steady.	9. Are moody.
10.   Are leaders.	10. Are followers.

(Maxwell, 2014)

As portrayed by the chart above, character-driven people keep going even when it gets tough.  Maxwell goes on to quote the late western novelist Louis L’Amour to show the benefits of being character-driven.  “When asked the key to his prolific writing, he responded, ‘Start writing, no matter what.  The water does not flow until the faucet is turned on.’”  In other words, one’s character development will produce significant impact on how he or she approaches many areas of life as well as understanding how to deal with difficult conversations.

With this understanding, it would now be beneficial to enter into a practical discussion concerning difficult conversation models.  The Studer Group identifies several models in which they and others have found great success.  The first model is the Impact Message. This model includes the following four steps:

1.       Describe the behavior

2.       Describe the impact

3.       Indicate the desired change

4.       Get a commitment (Cunningham, 2013)

 This model could be used for a leader to a follower could be incorporated the following way:

                When you don’t follow the guidelines that have been established…

                The result is that I don’t feel I have been clear in what needs to be done…

                I need you to let me know you clearly understand what I expect…

Can you help me make sure that I am explaining in a way that you understand and can accomplish the task?

A second model that the Studer Group utilizes is Cup of Coffee Conversation (Cunningham, 2013).  This would be used in a peer to peer situation.  It begins with affirmation and appreciation but then let them know you saw something that was uncharacteristic and not consistent with the set standards. It could flow the following way:

“Fred, let’s go have a cup of coffee.” Start by telling Fred something that you genuinely appreciate about him and his work. With coffee in hand, “I have noticed that you did not do the report according to the guidelines that the company has established.  This doesn’t live up to our standards and concerns me.”  Then pause and take a sip of coffee.  Typically, this will allow Fred to respond to what you have said.  You are not pointing out what he has done that is bad, but a concern you have experienced. 

A third model described by the Studer Group is the Low Performer Conversation (Cunningham, 2013).  This model helps use an evidence-based model where someone is demonstrating in appropriate behavior which is inconsistent to the established policies.  This would be a conversation that an employer would have with his or her team member.  It would best follow something like the DESK model:

D:  Describe what has been observed.

E:  Evaluate how you feel.

S:  Show what needs to be done.

K:  Know the consequences of continued same performance (Cunningham, 2013).

Benjamin Franklin once stated that “Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave the unsaid the wrong thing at the wrong moment” (Liebau, 2012).  It is important to address the concern that has been presented and not to turn this into a time of bashing and belittlement.

Benefits of Mastering Difficult Conversations

As one can imagine, there are many benefits in becoming a master of difficult conversations.  Liebau has listed several that include the following:

• ·         Kick-starts your career (and strengthens your current position)
• ·         Improves your organization
• ·         It improves and builds stronger relationships
• ·         Revitalizes your community
• ·         It will improve your personal health

o   Releases and prevents built up emotion that studies have shown to be harmful to one’s health

o   Research has shown that the survival rate among those have learned to express themselves effectively is much greater than those that have not (Liebau, 2012)

It can be stated that every person makes mistakes at some time in the work place.  Maxwell’s research and writings previously mentioned imply that a good leader will come alongside someone to help them grow.  He states in another article, “If you’re a leader, it is your responsibility and your privilege to be the person who helps them get better” (Maxwell, John Maxwell on Leadership, 2010).  This demonstrates caring which in turn makes difficult conversations easier to approach.  It is the experience of this writer that those that I lead do not care how much I know until they know how much I care.  If I care and have established that relationship showing them this, then I will be able to have difficult conversations in a more effective manner.  If not, I will be ineffective in that difficult conversation and will perhaps create more problems in my approach.

Works Cited:

Cunningham, L. (2013, April 21). Difficult Conversations: Three Models for Your Leadership. Gulf Breeze, FL. Retrieved March 31, 2014, from https://www.studergroup.com/thoughts/archive/difficult_conversations.dot

Liebau, B. (2012, November). Strategies for Difficult Conversations. Fredericksburg, VA. Retrieved March 31, 2014, from http://students.umw.edu/wellness/files/2012/11/Strategies-for-Difficult-Conversations-Student-Leadership-Conference-November-2012.pdf

Maxwell, J. C. (2010, December 20). John Maxwell on Leadership. Retrieved January 8, 2014, from http://johnmaxwellonleadership.com/2010/12/20/for-leaders-balancing-care-with-candor/

Maxwell, J. C. (2014, April 11). Are You Driven By Character or Emotion? Retrieved from http://www.johnmaxwell.com/blog/are-you-driven-by-character-or-emotion?utm_source=WhatCounts+Publicaster+Edition&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Are+You+Driven+by+Character+or+Emotion%3f+%7c+By%3a+John+C.+Maxwell&utm_content=CLICK+HERE

Pickett, J. P. (Ed.). (2007). The American Heritage College Dictionary (Fourth ed.). Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company.

Ringer, J. (n.d.). We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations. Retrieved April 12, 2012, from www.judyringer.com

Smith, M., Segal, R., & Segal, J. (2014). Phobias and Fears. Retrieved April 11, 2014, from http://www.helpguide.org/mental/phobia_symptoms_types_treatment.htm

USA TODAY. (2013, December 6). 15 of Nelson Mandela's Best Quotes.